Oh, how I love Jesus because He first loved me

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession, for we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." --Hebrews 4:14-16

Just reminded of the beauty of Christ tonight, as I have lots on my mind and heart. How encouraging it is to be able to approach Him with confidence. Jesus is better--than the angels, than Moses, than the old covenant--and because of that, I can lay my racing mind and my overwhelmed heart (even when it's good excitement and nerves) at His feet.

A Sunrise to Remember

For those who have never done it, you need to drive east on I40 between the hours of 5:30-7:00am during late October/early November. Seeing the different phases of the sunrise (as you're driving directly into it) is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Not only do you get the sunrise, but you also get to enjoy the brilliant colors of the trees as they are changing. I'll give you three guesses what I did this morning, and the first two don't count. Here's my morning:

At 5:35, I left my apartment and headed to Nashville. It was pitch black outside, but I had already gotten excited about driving east and watching the sun rise. For about 30 minutes, it felt like it was night time. At about 6:00, things started to get a little less dark--not daylight, but more like late evening/early night. I began to get more excited about getting to watch the sun rise. At 6:17, I was approaching the Tennessee River, and consequently, a huge patch of fog. I could barely see 10 feet in front of me. The few other travelers and I began to slow down. The muscles in my legs and stomach began to tighten up. Driving through fog is unnerving. At this moment, I wished even more that the sun would come out.

We made it across the river, and for the next 45 minutes or so, it was a pretty smooth trip, able to see the road each moment more clearly than the moment before. I realized that I was experiencing the benefits, but I still couldn't see the source of the light. I thought about that in relation to Jesus, the exact representation of God, our Sovereign Father. How often we see the things around up that let us know He's there, but we can't see Him....yet.

As I approached the Buffalo River, I saw another patch of fog--less dense than the first, but still fairly thick. This time it was different, though. The closer I drove to the bridge, the more I could see through the fog. I realized it was because of the light. The sun was more exposed, casting more light, which overpowered the fog. I felt safer with more light. This time, I thought about the Trinity, especially the Holy Spirit. When I don't understand at all what God is doing, knowing that He is near and watching Him reveal Himself is a source of great comfort. The Spirit is my anchor and makes a season of uncertainty seem a lot more safe and secure.

I kept driving, and it wasn't long before I noticed bright shards of light bursting through the cracks in the line of trees. Yes, I40 goes east and west, but there are parts that go more NE and SW. There were times when I saw the brightness of the yellow trees to my left, and I knew it was because of the sun, but because of the trees on my right, I couldn't see the source of the light. No matter what part of the road I traveled, though, I always knew where the sun was...even though I still couldn't see it. There was always a part of the sky that was more lit than the rest, and, though it may seem elementary and mundane (and probably repetitive), I found great comfort in knowing that where the light was, there the sun was...even though I saw it not.

At 7:17, exactly one hour from the first patch of dense fog, I drove over a hill, and I couldn't help but smile. There it was! The sun--huge, brilliant, breathtaking. Though I've passed it innumerable times, I've never seen the horses' lanes of Iroquois Steeplechase look so beautiful. I couldn't look directly at the sun, for it caused everything else in my line of vision to disappear (which is never a good thing when you're driving). Again, I was reminded of Jesus. When we see things in light of (no pun intended) Him, He makes even the simplest things seem magnificent.

Oh, that I would learn to love my Jesus more. To know the worth of His beauty and the exactness of representation of God's glory is my heart's desire. I know this may seem like a long, drawn out thought process of a sunrise, but it quieted my heart and caused me to rejoice in the cross. I think that's worth it!

Doing and Being

I was thinking today about the difference between doing and being. It is very easy for me to get caught up doing the things I feel are right--helping, serving, listening, ministering, visiting, cooking, attending--and forget that life is about being. The aforementioned list of present participles...or gerunds, depending on how they are used...aren't bad at all. When it's left to scratching them off a "to do" list, though, they become the by-products of legalism. I'm not trying to sound like a feel good Osteen or Bell when I say using my gifts, living my faith, speaking to people, giving and even surrendering are all nothing if not done with love (1Cor 13). Read 1Jn 4. God is love, and I'm pretty sure He isn't fluff.

With the Spirit dwelling within me, my actions become more than just good deeds done. It's not about my life having different sections to fill or appointments to keep so that I make sure to help someone or visit a friend or invite someone over for dinner. No, when I am surrendered to the Spirit's working in my life, those qualities flow freely, because it's part of my being a new creature. Doing becomes a result of being. Strip away all of the outer stuff, though, because let's face it...not every day is a day when I feel like doing the things I know I should. Even on those days, I'm still able to be. I don't want to sound lazy or like I'm trying to find an excuse out of the good works prepared for me (Ep 2:10), but it's true. Even on days when I don't do a single thing well, when I don't minister to another soul, when I'm too selfish to listen to those hurting around me, I'm still able to be.

I'm able to be held. I'm able to be secure in my faith. I'm able to be His child. I'm able to be convicted of sin. I'm able to be held accountable to pursue diligence again. I can be reminded of my Father, Friend, Saviour, Redeemer who is ever-present, ever-powerful, ever-just, all-knowing, and full of lovingkindness. Father, may I not resist Your grace in my life that keeps me busy doing the things You have for me to do, but I also thank You for Your grace that allows me to be Your child, regardless. I'm thankful that it was not my doing that brought me into a right relationship with You, and I'm thankful that it's not my doing that keeps me there. Thank You for Your grace. Thank You for letting me be Yours.

I'm still thinking about this, but I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Trust and Obey

Sometimes I find myself not knowing the next step to take. I long for clear, big painted pictures of God's plan. I want to know what He has next. I want to do what is most pleasing to Him. I want to be as close to Him as I possibly can. But how? How do I get there? How do I know what that next step is? Where do I find the road map that lays out His plan? Yes, you can answer, "The Word." I agree with you, but that seems so incredibly overwhelming. I mean, good grief, where do you start. More applicable for me this night is remembering a few simple, specific truths from that Word.

Sometimes it means doing the seemingly mundane things in life. Just doing what I know is right. Just pray. Stop in the middle of the pain, the confusion, the sense of helplessness, the hurt I feel for my friend, the words that I feel I don't have to speak to her, the inadequacy I feel, the fear I want to keep me from sharing the Gospel, the temptation to please man rather than God, the unbelief, the sin. Just stop...and pray. Take the next step. Live the next five minutes. Take the thoughts of those five minutes captive to Christ. Ask for grace to listen, to learn, to forgive, to believe, to help, to understand, to surrender. Once those five minutes are over, thank Him for His grace. Ask for help for the next five minutes. Take the next step. Keep living life.

Often, I just need to remind myself of the promises of God. I am promised so many things in Him, and I take them for granted. I forget that He promises to finish the work He started. He promises to never leave or forsake me. He promises to be like a husband to me. He promises a covenant relationship with me. He promises to fulfill the desires of my heart. He promises to purge me of sin. He promises to heal my broken heart. He promises His friendship. He promises and inheritance. He promises to make all things right one day. He promises to be always sovereign, always powerful, always holy, always right, always just, always pure. May I not forsake these promises, but may they ever be on my heart and mind.

I was talking with a friend tonight about some of these things, and a hymn came up in our conversation. The words are so simple, but they seem to sum up my thoughts quite well. May this be the cry of my heart:

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.

• Refrain:
  Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
  To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet,
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way;
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

Just so you know I didn't make this up...

It is absolutely amazing when God does a work in a person's heart and provides new desires, new interests, new convictions, and possibly the most mind-blowing for me, a new peace.

I feel like that's exactly where I am. Three or four weeks ago, I would have laughed in your face if you would have said I'd be here. I mean, I literally made a comment that is so contradictory to where I'm at right now. The past few weeks have been crazy with a capital c. God is giving me new heart desires; He is redirecting the paths of my heart, and He's literally giving me new affections...ones that weren't there three weeks ago. My mom is probably the only human I've talked to that has heard the "before" and "after" sides of this story. I probably don't make sense, and that's okay. You may think I'm crazy, and I'm alright with that. I know what's on my heart, and I know what God has been doing lately, and it's exciting.

What's even more exciting than all this is the new peace that has been given. It's that peace that passes all understanding, guarding my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. It's absolutely beautiful. It's immensely comforting, and it reminds me how grateful I am to have hope and joy in Christ.

Running to the Finish

Sometimes I wish I could just hear God speak in an audible voice, and I wish the words I would hear would be the specific instructions on what to do in this moment, how to act today, where He is leading me now, and how to handle all the emotions and such that come along with those workings.

So often, I find myself longing for more. I've heard people talk about a gaping hole in their hearts until Christ enters and fills that void. I guess what I'm experiencing is similar, but it's very different. I know joy. I know peace. I know love. The One who is all of those things redeemed me. I am His. As marvelous as this is, I still know pain. My heart hurts, and I long for the parts of His plan that have yet to be revealed. Because I do know joy, peace, and love, though, there are times...fairly often...that I am given grace to be completely content in the midst of reality. No sooner have I thanked God for His kindness in this way am I blind-sided, and quite frankly bombarded with the temptations from the world to be discontent. Today I had the thought, "Look, I just fought the battle that you are trying to start again. Get over it, and put your eyes on Jesus."

Here's my question, a question that a friend of mine and I were discussing not too long ago: How do you show the world...better yet, other believers...that they need what you have (ie. contentment in Christ, acknowledgement that there's enough grace, complete satisfaction in the Lover of your soul, willingness to face persecution of ANY and every sort) without being prideful or offensive (which may or may not be something worth fearing...what can man do to me, anyway?)

It reminds me of Paul. How do you suppose it came across to the Corinthians when he exhorted them to be imitators of himself? He had to be full of the gospel, full of passion and love for God's people, full of humility, patience, grace. I keep running, and I keep looking side to side to see who's with me. I'm encouraged to see a familiar face, but I wish some more of the folks would act upon the quickly approaching finish line.

Oh, to be like Him!

One thing can only be 'like' something else if the latter is bigger, greater, more significant than the former. A picture is like a landscape, and not vice versa. A daughter is able to be like her mother only because her mother existed first and serves as the very validation of such a comment being made. The landscape has more value than the picture, and the mother is greater than the daughter in the sense that she lives out her personality before her daughter, who seems to emulate characteristics of that personality, was even born.

I realize that, up against God, all analogies fail, but bear with me. God is not like us, but we are being made like Him. God is holy, uniquely different from us, so he cannot be "a better version of us", but does Scripture not tell us to be holy like He is holy? Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that one day we will be equal to God in His holiness, but this I know for sure is that we were made in His image. He was not made in ours. He sent His Son to become like us (whoa, wait...what?!), to justify us with Himself. God, the Father is now sanctifying us to be more and more like Him. Oh, for the day of glorification when we get to see the perfected, finished work of the One we are like!

ramblings

No, I don't own a television. Yes, I went to the movies with my grandmother on Monday night. Yes, I still use the post office. No, I don't own a Mac. Yes, I'll most likely have lunch with someone in their nineties tomorrow. Yes, I, along with Lauren Smothers and two of the VanNeste boys are the only non-college, pre-marriage people who stuck with it. No, I've never dyed my hair. Yes, I prefer Truth over humor. No, I don't like animals. Yes, my brothers and daddy have a say. Yes, I talk to my mom nearly every day. Now, hi, my name is Sarah. Would you like to go on?

Tears of joy?

Sometimes when I step back and look at life from a bigger perspective than my selfish, Sarah-colored lenses, I'm fascinated and amazed at how intricately God is weaving every single tiny detail of this story together. He really is orchestrating even the minutest of sounds into something gloriously pleasant to His ears...and it's for my good. What?!

It happens fairly often that I just need to cry. There are probably many girls who say this, but it's pretty accurate for me. I mean, about half the time, I literally have no reason to be crying. It's just something I need to do. About 40% of the time, I know why I'm crying, but it's not a legitimate reason to be doing so. The other ten percent of the time (and that's probably being generous), I am crying about something that's worth it. I'm not sure how you'd classify tonight.

There've been lots of changes in my life recently, and I'm grateful. Because of those changes, though, I am experiencing lots of different emotions all at one time. I've personally watched and felt God change the desires, affections, and convictions of my heart. I'll even be so bold as to say He's doing it right now as these tear-stained cheeks fight back more salty water. It's times like this that I'm so grateful that He's at work, but I'm reminded that I can't trust my heart, for it's deceitful and wicked above all things. It evokes in me, though, even more gratitude for my Father, who knows my heart. Even in the pain, confusion, and sadness, though, I can honestly say I know joy. It's not always surface level, but it's there--rooted down deep, all the time making more roots in my soul...roots that sustain that which bears fruit, even in the midst of heavy rain.

weird

I realized tonight that if I don't purposely fill my time with meaningful tasks, my free time is quickly wasted on futile facebook updates, roamings around the apartment, eating the second or third snack of the night, feeling sorry for myself, or looking at pictures for the 5th time in a row. When I read, I learn. When I write, I comprehend. Through writing, I make sense of my thoughts, I learn more of the depths of my soul, and I'm driven to the cross and repentance, where I am healed. It's a beautiful thing. That being said, here's an attempt to write more often.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about the differences I've noticed in my thoughts, convictions, values, and such as compared to the world--even as compared to other believers. It so often seems that I have a different opinion/thought process/value system/list of priorities than most people I'm around...in every area of life. Here's an example. My co-workers are busting their tails at 2nd and 3rd jobs (aside from their full time positions) to make money they don't need. For what? Logic would assume the reason to be in order to pay for the stuff they don't need. See my point? Learn to live within your means, and do so without losing your sanity.

Maybe I'm super weird for wanting a family (and a life fit to enjoy them) someday. Call me a strange bird since I like leaving the workplace after 8 hours and having time to enjoy a run at the park. I don't even care if you think it's crazy that I prefer cooking than eating out. So what. Shoot, it doesn't even phase me when you call me a fool for being 23 and seeking the Lord about what to do with this money I'm not used to having, versus putting it all in a Life Insurance policy or 401K or even a savings account.

All I can say is this world is not my home. I'm so thankful for that promise. I'm longing for a new heaven and a new earth. Come, Lord Jesus. Until then, I'll just keep being weird.