In good times and in bad...

No, I'm not practicing wedding vows, although, sometimes I feel like I need tangible vows to refer back to with my relationship with the Lord. Why is it that I am so quick to turn to God when things aren't going so well, but when everything seems right in my world, I seem to put Him on the back burner, feeling like I can handle things on my own? This is frustrating to my heart. I feel like Paul...the things I shouldn't do, I do, while the things that I should do, I don't.

Tonight, we had a sweet, intimate time of corporate prayer and worship at church. In one of the songs we sang, a particular verse stuck out. Though I've sung this song several times before, I had never heard this additional verse:

When I'm satisfied,

Oh, When I'm satisfied,

When I'm satisfied, give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus. You can have all this world;

Just give me Jesus.

Perhaps it's pathetically fundamental, but my heart needed to be reminded of my desperation and absolute need for Jesus...even when I'm not in "times of need". Maybe it'd be better to say especially when I don't consider myself to be in "times of need". That mentality, however, is not correct. I'm always in need. I can do nothing--absolute zilch--without Jesus.

I'm reminded of something I heard a man say today. While I can't remember his exact terminology, he said something to the effect of God anticipates the petitions of His people. This blows my mind. The Almighty wants to hear from us...from me. Who in the world do I think I am to have had a heart change and to know that change only took place by His grace, and then to not spend time with the Heart Surgeon? It's His heart. His heart now beats in my chest. This means that my desires are now capable of being His desires. Oh, that my flesh may die!

...Like a Child

Although I've been her child for 22 years, I've never been one to think I look like my mother. Yes, I inherited her straight, holds-no-curl-no-matter-how-much-hairspray-you-use hair, and I have astigmatism that I can attribute to Jenny Metcalf, but as far as looks go, I just don't think I look like her. That is, until I saw a recent photo that my grandpa took. I was amazed at how much I am beginning to look like my mother. It's a little scary because I am realizing that I'm no longer a little girl. I'm growing up and becoming an adult--an adult who looks like her mother. I must say it is quite the honor. Mom, look out. Here I come...gray, straight hair, and all!

I've been thinking about this concept of a child looking like her parent for a few days now. Not all children look like their parents. Some children are adopted and look nothing like the people they call parents. More important than outward appearance is how a child looks in his heart. I was running in the park this afternoon, as I saw a little boy with a scooter. He had been riding his scooter, but when I noticed him, he was walking every so gingerly with a scooter handle in one hand and staring down at the other hand that was cupped and obviously holding something very important to this little boy. He was making sure to pay special attention that his treasure was not hurt. He went so far as to not even pay attention to get out of the way of those [namely,me] running on the track. As I got closer to this little boy, I realized that he was holding a butterfly. I thought about the beauty in that. This kid, having a scooter that is probably every second grader's dream, took the time to notice a butterfly. Not just to notice it, but to take care of it.

Now, I'm not trying to get all "green" or anything, but oh, how I wish to be like that. That I may take time out of my crazy, materialistic days to notice my Father's creation. May I have a heart like this child to care about and deem beautiful the things God has made. Oh, that I may look more like my Father!

A Different Perspective

Perhaps one of the best things about being out of school for the summer is the time available for leisure reading. It is something I have missed a great deal. Even though I’ve missed it, I still have to practice self-discipline to choose to fill my free time with reading instead of television or countless, useless hours of internet. A few days ago, I picked up my copy of C.S. Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters, and I realized that I hadn’t finished it. Now, this book is a difficult read. Not in the sense of the vocabulary used or the complexity of the things discussed, but it is difficult because I have trouble thinking in the “backwards” way that Lewis writes there. “Enemy” does not normally refer to God, and “Our Father” is not terminology I use to talk about Satan. It’s an interesting read, but a little crazy at first.

This morning, I was reading a little more of it, and I ran across a description of humility that I had never seen nor thought about before. Lewis writes, “...thousands of humans have been brought to think that humility means pretty women trying to believe they are ugly and clever men trying to believe they are fools…The Enemy [here, referring to God] wants to bring the man to a state of mind in which he could design the best cathedral in the world, and know it to be the best, and rejoice in the fact, without being any more (or less) or otherwise glad at having done it than he would be if it had been done by another. The Enemy [again, referring to God] wants him, in the end, to be so free from any bias in his own favour that he can rejoice in his own talents as frankly and gratefully as in his neighbor’s talents—or in a sunrise, an elephant, or a waterfall.”

What a concept! I think commonplace "Christianity" portrays humility in a very poor light. The world sees humility as this horribly awful, self-loathing concept. Quite the contrary! Humility is beautiful. Humility was personified in Jesus! God has given me talents. When I use those talents to do great things (or, more often than not, just average things), that’s wonderful. In fact, it brings Him glory. It is my job to take any praise or admiration that I receive from said talents and lavish those things on Christ. When those around me use their talents to do great things, I should be just as quick to acknowledge God for His goodness in equipping that individual with such talents, skills, and ability.

Label Conscious?

I’m not the kind to take a spontaneous shopping trip; in fact, I really don’t care for shopping much at all. Today, however, I found myself going to several different places in search of particular items. A large part of my afternoon was, unfortunately, spent at the mall. While walking around in search of my items, I overheard a woman talking on her cell phone. Nearly verbatim, she said that she would say a “real quick prayer” and get back to [the caller]. My first thought was, “Huh, a fellow Christian.” Then, I realized the sadness of what had just transpired. No sooner had I thought what a shame it was for her to put a time limit on prayer, when the Holy Spirit smacked me in the face and brought to mind times when I had done the same thing—put God in a box, in the name of Christianity. “Yeah, I can meet you on Sunday. I’ll go to church, but we’ll be out by noon.” “We need to really pray about this mission trip, because God can do awesome things in that foreign country.” I say these things as if God has to show up between 9 and noon on Sunday, and if He chooses to work outside of those boundaries, I’m not interested, or it’s as if there’s no need to pray for local mission work, because God only really works in foreign lands. Do I believe these ways? I pray that I don’t, but I’m afraid that my actions (words) often prove otherwise. “Father, I do believe. Help my unbelief”, seems to be the common cry among some friends and I, recently.

These thoughts made me think about the labels we put on things. A label that I think is often misused is that of “Christian”. The word means Christ-follower; it breaks my heart to see our nation called a Christian nation. We, as a nation, don’t follow Christ. It breaks my heart to see so many friends and family members call themselves Christians when the fruit of their lives shows otherwise. It breaks my heart to call myself a Christian at times when drag the name of Christ through the dirt.

What do our labels mean? I’m convinced that they mean nothing in comparison to what’s inside the container, so to speak. If I have two bottles of Sprite, and I pour one bottle out and fill it up with water, it makes no difference what the plastic labels say. What’s inside is what’s true. Sure, the label on one bottle accurately tells my friend that he will taste Sprite when he takes a drink, but the other label is no longer good. This makes me think of the term “high priest” used in the Bible. Throughout the years, there have been several men known as high priests, but one Man, Jesus, is the Perfect High Priest. Same label, somewhat similar content, VERY different effect and duration.

In addition to this, it matters who is doing the labeling. In reading through Hebrews tonight, I was struck by the language used to label 1)Christ and 2)those who follow Him. God, Himself, calls Jesus “God”. This is incredible! I mean, I believe in the triune God, and I’ve grown up in church and heard that all my life, but tonight it hit me like a ton of bricks. This is one man—Jesus. Some people labeled Him a liar. They made fun of Him, mocked Him, labeled Him worthless, really. God, however, labeled Him “God”. Incredible! What does it matter what others label me? My identity is found in Christ and how He labels me. That brings me to how those who follow Christ are labeled in Hebrews. Chapter 3 calls us “holy brethren”. Hello! First of all, holy. Without blemish. Like God. Second, brethren. Brothers of Christ. “For both He who sanctifies and those who are sanctified are all from one Father…” (Hb 2:11) Now, that, is an honorable calling! Father, may I find my worth in You alone.

This Pilgram's Progress

"Faith purifies the heart; unbelief keeps the heart polluted."--John Bunyan

The timing of the Father is incredible. For the past few weeks, God's been dealing with some deep-rooted issues in my heart--issues that I haven't wanted to think about. The Holy Spirit's gone places where I didn't want it to go. I've thought deeply about things that I wanted to store away in the very back filing folders of my mind. I've wrestled with feelings of lonliness, inadequacy, laziness. God has revealed idols in my life. At my very core, I want to run and hide, pretending not to be aware of the things that are happening, but there's a small inkling of my spirit that cries out, "Hallelujah! He still hasn't left."

Over the past week or so, while all of this has been happening, I've been reminded of a small gem that was shown me two summers ago. Two small words that, up until that point, I had more than likely overlooked..."consider Jesus". These two words are found in Hebrews 3:1. Two years ago, those words spoke volumes in my life, and today, they are doing the same thing. In everything, consider Jesus. In my relationships with people, am I entirely focused on making myself look the best I can, or do I consider Jesus? In my free time, do I spend countless hours on meaningless, selfish pleasure, or do I consider Jesus? In my time with the Lord, am I trying to make excuses for not spending time with Him, or do I consider Jesus? In my singleness, am I having a pity party, or do I consider Jesus?

I've found myself considering all that He's been doing in my life recently. While some of it has been painful, I'm encouraged by the fact that He's working. As Elisabeth Elliot says, "Pruning is part of the growing process." Bethany Dillon also makes this points as she sings, "Anything must die to rise again." Oh, and who could forget when Dolly Parton said, "If you want the rainbow, you gotta' take the rain." The growing, the rising, the rainbow--I saw glimpses of them tonight. I had already been thinking about my beloved, aforementioned, simple phrase when I get to Bible study and realize we are starting a new study on none other than Hebrews. We talked a lot about faith, talking briefly about the things in life that cause unbelief in our hearts. I was immediately drawn back to the loneliness, the inadequacy, and the laziness.

Why are these things prevalent in my thoughts? I allow them to be. I fill up void time with useless crap. Instead of reading, I watch television. Instead of spending time in the Word, I sleep. Instead of investing in the lives of people, I focus on myself. Instead of having a purified mind, I have a polluted one. Instead of having faith, I harbour unbelief. Oh, that I may be able to fully understand what Mr. Bunyan meant. Oh, that I may be full of faith!

Owning, Keeping, and Sharing

Over the years, I've enjoyed reading the writings of others, and I've had my share of blogging and journaling in the past. I don't mind picking up a pad of paper and jotting down periodical thoughts, but I honestly thought my days of virtual journaling were over. To my surprise, however, the thoughts and posts of some friends, along with what I know to be conviction from the Holy Spirit, recently spurred within me great mental wrestling with several issues. I decided that those things needed to be sorted out, and it may be that the best way to do that is to put them here.

I don't want them here for people to see, as much I want them here for me to see. It's one thing to physically write things down, but letting my fingers madly fly across this keyboard seems to more accurately get my thoughts from in there to out here. It's also not a bad deal to be able to hit 'delete' whenever something comes out in a way that I didn't mean for it to. :)

So the posts that follow are for me. They're for my heart, my soul, my mind. I hope to turn to Scripture and song to encourage my spirit. I hope to vent about pain and suffering and to learn from those things. I hope to be real. I hope to be reminded of the hope that I have in Christ. While these posts are mainly for me, I invite you to join me in this journey...